17 Juni 2009

My fingers really do dance by sadness:

"jiwa rindu jemari menari mengikuti hati melepas lapis jiwa yang mati memasang ornamen pada sepi dan menguak dalam ketakutan akan hari"

"gimana cara melepaskan dengan gampang?? pura-pura buta sambil
ketawa-ketawa kayak ga ada apa-apa?? atau melihat jelas tapi pura-pura marah kayak orang gila??

mana yang lebih ringan buat kita melangkah menjauh..dekat
dihati atau dekat di raga?? Bohong besar jika kita bilang tidak dua-duanya!

Jadi gimana caranya pergi..? saya lebih suka mati!"

"berat hidup dengan amarah..tapi kadang ini
yang terbaik untuk tidak bersumpah serapah...mana yang lebih dosa?
entah..

berat hidup dengan membenci, tapi kadang ini yang terbaik untuk tidak
bermimpi dan mengasihani diri...mana yang lebih tinggi?
entah..

berat hidup dengan tidak merasa..tapi kadang
ini yang terbaik untuk tidak
hancur karena luka..mana yang lebih
menyembuhkan?
hilang..."

a better-person project

I cant seem to remember exactly when was I decided to be a better person. I guess I made that decision everyday since I learned that crying wouldn't do much of a good. I promise myself everymorning to always be thankful, smile more, caring more, take care and appreciate myself more and..emptying my glass for that day's experience and wits. I cant render much of what im planning to do with this, the ideas scatter in my head and as much eagerness I have to put them in writting..I have kinda troubles to actually putting them once I see a blank spot...hmmh..blogging is not easy.

but anyway, Im sure it's everybody's intention to become their own version of "a better person"..in their terms, in their times, mine's now...Im also sure I can put them in words, a letter at a time if it must..

another lesson-learned thought:

I used to drag the heart so heavy to feel...

I used to crash the head so hard to think..

I used to squeze the tears so tight to drop..

I used to bond the unleash..

I used to force the free..

I used to want the unreach..

I used to beg the un-given..

and there I was...crushed...

and here I am...learning..and emerging..

re-listening...

re-feeling...

re-thinking...

Simply...just simply...

re-doing..

-kamar, 251209, 9:22PM-

buku biru naik kelas..

Buku Biru goes electronic! hehe..

my walls of thoughts are scattered everywhere not to mention all pieces of words and puzzles inside the generator itself. All this time Buku Biru has been the original place for my mind and heart to dance through my finger running, it captures all my wicked soul shaking, rebelling, falling, rising, and emptying, it holds all the secret of what is not meant for saying, and it has not reached its final pages before i decided to rest it in peace.

I went to the notes of Ipod, thoughts-breaking to the stats and notes of facebook, talking and talking to my dearest R whom probably will be mentioned hereafter, and now..after millions of people doing it, I decided to go to Buku Biru again, in different form. There are so many I wanted to write, dont know where to start, as a pefectionist as I am, I wanted the whole beginning-thing to be perfect..and yet Im still blabering...

It'll take me time to do this again, now that things are not as easy as 9 years ago when I started everything. Dont mind tho..hhhh, enough of this, here's a starter:

For ML, im hereby overring you:

"Aku merindumu..

bukan hanya rasa semu..

sayang aku tak tau..kmana muaraku..

Aku merindumu..

ini bukan diburu-buru..aku menunggu dan permisi ke sang waktu..

sayang tak ada ruang itu..atau sisanya buatku..

Jadi aku merindumu..hanya aku dan penciptaku yang tau..

bahwa saat ini..

rasa ini..begitu.."

-Kamar, 081109, 9:01 PM-

For my half-dien, i believe patience is a virtue:

"for he..

who could lead me in my pray and my lost

who could gives me d'chill and a heart-dropped moments

who his face would pop-up everytime i feel an urge to break

who would bear my talk, my thoughts..and my PMS

who would think im beautiful in my best and my worst

who would come and look for me, as i would for him, for comfort

who would feel better and make me feel d'same, after we talk

who would forget his time if im around him, as i would forget mine

who could basically...endlessly talk to me

who would simply...hug me

who knows we would stillfeel all above..30 years from now.."

-Kamar, 181009, 1:38 AM-

be back for more...